


and crush it

by anarkinnie



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Ao3 is confusing, How Do I Tag, M/M, i wanted to cuddle with my boyfriend but this is what i did instead, im literally just projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29192022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarkinnie/pseuds/anarkinnie
Summary: conservative is BITCH BABY and thinks homofash doesnt love him or whatever
Relationships: Conservative/Homonationalist
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	and crush it

**Author's Note:**

> cw for refs to self harm. still dont fuckin know how this site works uh.. my watts the same @ btw,, this is just me projecting onto conservative, because relationships are scary and i dont trust my bf loves me lmao. enjoy if ya want. also the white twinkism thing is a ref to the santa monica fic xx

you: goodmorning!

_(god, that's too peppy)_

whitetwinkism: good morning

_(oh no, oh no, what did i say why did he-)_

you: how did you sleep?

_(i ask this every time, why cant i think of something else?)_

whitetwinkism: good, you?

_(fuckfuckfuck what do i say i dont wanna be this upsetting so early)_

you: good aswell :)

_(say something, where the hell is he supposed to go with that?)_

whitetwinkism: cool. well, i love you

_(he cant, he_ shouldnt _! he_ doesnt!)

you: i love you too :))

....

_(why the hell did i think the conversation would continue? of course it wouldn't)_

conservative shut his phone off and ran his fingers through his messy hair. he loved his boyfriend, a lot, but being with him caused a lot of.. fear. anxiety. 

he couldn't blame homofash, the man hadn't done anything, he was just so perfect, and conservative so... not. 

aside from the fact that if god were roaming the earth, he would be dead in an instant from even _thinking_ about being with homofash, he knew he couldn't even compare to him. 

the younger ideology had stronger ideals, something to base himself on. nearly a nazi, but not quite. he had his own personality, his own thoughts and emotions. but at least he was strong in where his morals layed. 

conservative, on the otherhand, barely put up a fight in regards to his morals. he indulged in degeneracy the moment homofash asked him to. it was sick. he was going to hell, it was far too late to repent now.

even if morals _werent_ involved, he still shouldn't have been allowed to be around homofash. he was so sweet, so kind, so good, and conservative could never begin to be similar. the facist's skin was soft, he was gentle, and he was so strong. emotionally, that was. when he thought of the other's physical strength he giggled a bit, but quickly remembered he shouldn't.

looking down at his sleeves made him flinch a little, he knew it what was under there. he knew he was a dissapointment, he knew it was vile. 

he didn't tell homofash.

he had in the past, he knew how he reacted. conservative could give in. he could tell him, he could let himself feel wrapped in the comfort and support of his boyfriend, but he knew he didn't deserve it, so he stayed quiet. 

_bzz_

his phone vibrated against the pillow beside him.

whitetwinkism: you ok babe?

_(did i say something?)_

you: ofc! why? are you okay?

_(oh yeah great not suspicious at all)_

whitetwinkism: ehh. im fine.

_(no he's not. does he even wanna talk though? does he wanna talk to me at all?)_

you: you don't sound fine, do you want to talk?

_(why do i offer? its not like i can even help.)_

whitetwinkism: actually, sure.

_(he wants to talk to me? he wants to talk to me! wait-)_

he closes his phone again. here was the other issue. he couldn't help him, he knew he couldn't. he could tell him he loved him, and that his problems would pass, but he didn't know what he could do otherwise. 

he thought back to what someone else said to him. _proud._ the man had said he was proud of homofash. why hadn't conservative thought of that? he was proud, really, he was glad he was getting better. he hated that homofash felt the way he did, he didn't understand how he thought that way.

_(i suppose i think the same though, hm?)_

for him though, it was different. conservative had good reason to hate himself. he was the antithesis of everything he preached. he was dirty, sinful, disgusting. homofash, on the otherhand, was amazing, strong, and absolutely perfect. he could seemingly do nothing wrong.

he knew it wasn't healthy, to put his partner on a pedistool like this. he couldn't help it though. love is blind, as the saying goes. who knows, maybe homofash was the worst person in the world. not like that would shift conservatives opinion of the man. he could do the most unimaginable, terrible things in the world, but conservative would simply wipe the blood off his cheeks and give him a kiss.

_bzz_

he didnt pick it up this time. he knew who it was. not that he didn't want to speak to him, he did, he just didn't know if he could say anything helpful. if anything, he would make it worse. 

would ignoring it be worse?

he didn't know at this point. he was told that if he didn't have anything nice to say, he shouldn't say anything at all, but did that apply here? he certainly only had nice things to say, but was it mean if they weren't helpful? 

the thought knawed at his heart. 

_bzz_

he picked it up. reading the paragraph of a message he recieved, he got a pang of guilt. why wasn't he more helpful with these things? would homofash be better if conservative would just be decent at anything regarding mental health?

he wanted to say sorry. he wanted to apologize for not being better. but he knew this wasn't about him, and saying that would seem like it thats what he was trying to do- make it about him. thats not what he wanted it to be either. so, he didn't say anything. his eyes stung with tears, and he let them roll down his face.

it was pitiful, he hated it. now was not the time for him to be upset. shut it off, pretend he is just a robot. pretend he is as happy as he is meant to be. what was it that song had said? 

"when you're feeling certain feelings, that just don't seem right, treat those pesky feelings like a reading light"

right. just turn it off. that's all. the musical was referring to gay thoughts, he knew that, but it was comforting nonetheless.

he swiped, typed a quick 'that is terrible. im so sorry you feel like that' and looked towards his desk. 

the desk, of course, where he kept his candles. a simple thing no one would think twice about. a source of light. maybe a tool in some religions. 

he, in fact, was not thinking about the object itself, but instead of the thing lighting it.

**Author's Note:**

> yes i referenced the book of mormon musical wtf r u gonna do ab it? also, so much respect to all yall authors on here, formatting is so much easier on wattpad, im going to kill the italics command istg i left this in my computer science class 3 years ago


End file.
